Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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