When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I need moral support for this bender
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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