we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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