You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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