You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I smell stomach acid.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
