just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
