oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
