A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
