Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
