Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
