i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
