yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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