I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
