I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
