Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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