She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
