there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
