You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
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My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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