We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize