he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
