why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
