The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
