I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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