he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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