I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
