i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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