His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
