My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
