I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
