So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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