you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
