I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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