God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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