I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
