I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Send help, water and tortillas.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
