He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
