I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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