Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
