So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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