the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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