How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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