There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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