Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
