I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
