I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
