it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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