It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
