Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
