I wish my penis had an off switch
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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