I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
