is your mom at the bar?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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