is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
