I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
