I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
