I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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