Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
