Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
