Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
