I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
